Your Horoscope is brought to you by PINK! Advertising LLC, the Red Herring Coffee Shop, Busted Knuckle Garage, and Rabbit’s Salvage. Visit them soon! Also, I will be answering questions in an advice column to be submitted soon!

AQUARIUS (Jan.20- Feb 18)   Your week is filled with joy and water. You should try some of the coffee at the Red Herring. If you find a chipmunk, name it Squeaks Mctitties and set it free. It’s a sign of luck and stuff.
Most Compatible: Libra, Gemini, and Aquarius
Least Compatible: Cancer and Virgo

PISCES (Feb 19-March 20) Avoid taking an arrow to the knee. It will stop your adventures prematurely. Also use some of that penis cream they sell in truck stops. It will help your other adventures from stopping prematurely.
Most Compatible: Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces
Least Compatible: Leo, Libra

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Do you like chicken? If you do, you should eat some. You never know when it might be the last time you enjoy a good piece of chicken.
Most Compatible: Leo, Sagittarius, and Aries
Least Compatible: Virgo and Scorpio

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Your zodiac sign is named after a car. You should make sure your car doesn’t suck by going to Busted Knuckle garage. Also, you might be hung like a bull. Use this to your advantage in days to come.
Most Compatible: Virgo, Capricorn, and Taurus
Least Compatible: Libra and Sagittarius

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) The sun is in Uranus today. You might want to get that removed. Also, get that rash checked out. It might be contagious.
Most Compatible: Libra, Aquarius, and Gemini
Least Compatible: Scorpio and Capricorn

CANCER (June 21-July 22) YOU’VE GOT CANCER, YOU’RE gonna DIE!! Just kidding. Drink more beer, it’s full of vitamin P! It’s good for you.
Most Compatible: Pisces, Scorpio and Cancer
Least Compatible: Sagittarius and Aquarius

LEO (July 23-Aug 22) I love your hair and your face.. You have the world by the pubic hairs.. Don’t let go!
Most Compatible: Aries, Sagittarius, and Leo
Least Compatible: Pisces and Capricorn

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22) You I don’t so much care for. Did you know that if you put three Virgos together in a room, they couldn’t change a light bulb? Just kidding! But remember to get the yummy baked goods from the Red Herring. It’s better than sexy time!
Most Compatible: Taurus, Capricorn and Virgo
Least Compatible: Aries and Aquarius

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22) Your car is old and moldy, and it smells like old taco meat. You should sell it to Rabbit’s Salvage down in Dead Drop. They need your junk and you get cash. You’re broke and want shoes anyway!
Most Compatible: Aquarius, Gemini and Libra
Least Compatible: Pisces and Taurus

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) Are you on drugs? Wearing that outfit after? Just remember, don’t do drugs and the DEPD won’t come and beat you with sticks. No one likes a stick beating.
Most Compatible: Cancer, Pisces, and Scorpio
Least Compatible: Gemini and Leo

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) Your sign looks like a scorpion and it sounds like a dinosaur. Make sure you stay away from huge bugs, and don’t turn into a zombie and eat people’s faces. They did that, you know? It’s totally out of style this year.
Most Compatible: Aries, Leo and Sagittarius
Least Compatible: Cancer and Taurus

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) Did you know that corn is a great way to start the day? Getting your advertising needs taken care of by PINK! Advertising is also a great way to start your day, and it doesn’t give your butt speed bumps. Think about it! Also, you rock out with your socks out this week. Don’t forget that a great way to pass the time is to pick on Virgos. They cry like little girls.
Most Compatible: Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn
Least Compatible: Gemini and Leo