Anyone with access to a  police radio within the city of Dead End would be familiar with the crass antics of the ever present emergency dispatcher Hank.  It was on Friday night that this voice became a man, and this man became a living nightmare for the patrons of the Hedonist Casino. Armed with a bowel full of toxic gas and a complete disregard for a sense of social etiquette, Hank marched into the casino and began to fire fearsome and foul fusillades of flatulence.  Bringing the business and its patrons literally to their knees as they collapsed under the weight of the toxic stench that filled the gaming halls.

In the confusion that ensued, the casino’s new owner, Anjel Masala, rang the emergency services initially fearing that the casino was  the target of a chemical attack, only for the terrorist to be an old man wearing a white suit and a Panama hat. The situation became more dire when it became a apparent that Hank required the use of the casinos amenities, quickly proceeding to demonstrate just why such facilities come to be known as ‘Thunderboxes’, a deposit was made that quickly had fellow patrons cashing in their chips and getting a second taste of their dinner orders. One can only hope that the new owner was planning to redecorate the building, as the resulting tsunami of vomit left the carpet a mosaic of neon colours and ubiquitous orange squares of  carrot that never fail to make an appearance. Hank himself seemed quite unperturbed by the noxious odour, choosing to blame the ‘taco bar’ for causing the  appearance of the excruciatingly unbearable excrement, simply leaving everyone else within a one hundred meter radius with empty stomachs and grasping for air.

Irrespective of the cause, it is the recommendation of this reporter that all citizens of our fine city procure a gas mask as soon as possible, for fears of repeated social outings from this one man chemical warhead loom large. At least the local laundromat, ‘Get the Funk Out’, will no doubt be kept busy removing the inevitable stains that will no doubt  besmirch the back of Hank’s cheap, white suit.

Hunter S. Thompson Jr.   Reporter, DE Daily