Remember that part in The Godfather when Michael says “Today I settle all family business” and proceeds to take out each and every one of his rival dons?  Well, today was a bit like that for the DEPD, only there was no Moe Greene taking a bullet in the eye.  Instead, Captain Marty Kells promise to crack down on crime truly took off as the jail cells filled up with arrest after arrest.  It started with Uncle Bob and Maynad Selby, at the attempted truck heist and went from there.  Amanda Fitzgerald who was wanted in connected with the Gang brawl was arrested only to find out she was covered in paint and a truck heist participant.  The woman did not go quietly, making sure the cops knew if they were going to get their man, or or woman, they’d have to work hard for it.  Officers were forced to tackle the elusive woman though, unfortunately, the tackle ripped out her stitches from a stab wound (see below), causing the woman to nearly bleed to death.  According to sources in the DEPD, she was not immediately taken to the hospital but rather was stitched up by current inmate and fellow Static Bandit member, Maynard Selby who is reported to be an EMT when he’s not behind bars.  First responders did later arrive on the scene and offer to take the woman to the hospital for proper check up but she declined.  In light of the situation, the DEPD chose to release the woman early, possibly in hopes of avoiding a lawsuit for brutality or simply to make more room for the criminals being hauled in by the bunch.

With Bob, Maynard and now Amanda behind bars, only one woman from the failed truck heist remained on the loose but not for long as “Molly” surrendered to authorities, perhaps hoping her action would lessen her sentence or maybe she was just feeling left out with the rest of the Static Bandits residing in the slammer.

Next up was members of The Syndicate, the self appointed vigilante group of DE.  Four members of the professed custodians of justice turned themselves in for their role in a fight at Lulu’s just a few days ago.  Thomas Coy, Sharebear Xaris, Karina Hyde and Natasha Blaque all partook in assaulting the aforementioned Amanda Fitzgerald through stabbing, poison and even shoving candy in her face.  That last one may sound harmless but think if it’s hard candy.  That would certainly leave a mark when shoved against your nostril.  Due to their respective affiliations, it is likely this was a turf war of sorts between the Syndicate and the Static Bandits.  A topic they will likely discuss through the bars of their cells.  Surprisingly, they were not charged for their joy ride that ended with a car at the ravine and several hospital visits.  Through what appeared to be a clerical error, the sugary Syndicate members seem to have avoided some extra charges being added on.

The jail cells were now filled like never before, with multiple people sharing a cell.  You’d think they’d put the boys with the boys and the girls with the girls but with the danger of violence by forcing rival gang member to share space, the jail went coed.  Whether the situation turned into something you might find in a No Escape porn production, is unknown as our source was rather mum about that part.  What we did find out was due to overcrowding, several inmates have been let out early for good behavior.  Let’s hope the ones set free were the ones who racked up parking tickets or, at worst, cut off a few parking meters just for the hell of it.

Vance Clayton, DE Daily Reporter