If it’s one thing we’ve learned recently it’s that 911 calls to the train yard rarely yield pleasant results.  Then again, who ever calls 911 just to say how awesome their lives and the world around them is?  In the early evening house of the 28th, first responders reported to the area to discover a man laying in the grass about muttering nonsense about spiders.  That was the least of his problems.

Paramedic Matt Hardock identified the victim as Deus Richards, former owner of the Easy 8 and current DEFD probie and gave the man a sedative once he’d heard plenty about how he and his invisible elephant friend were on a quest to kill the evil spider queen.  Shockingly, he was later found to have been heavily drugged which might have actually helped distract him from the pain he was likely in.

Deus Richards, former Easy 8’s manager and victim.

Medics found holes in his lips where it was concluded his mouth had been sewn shut.  His captors must not have felt that did the trick as they also removed his teeth then broke his nose and wrapped his face entirely in bandages not entirely unlike the bandaged man who briefly roamed our streets a few months back.

If that weren’t enough, they captors took yet another step.  First, it was discovered he had rebar placed between the skin and muscle of both arms and legs as well as his spine,making it impossible to  walk.  Then it gets worse.  Guys, you might wanna just skip this part or at the very least, consider yourself warned.  His penis had been pierced by 5 bars, though in his drugged state, he believed it had been bitten off by these evil spiders and somehow reattached.  Neither the reality nor the delusion sound like a good time.

Mr. Richards is currently residing in a room at the DEMH where his various injuries are being treated.  At press time, the DEPD has no leads into who might be responsible for such vivid and excessive torture.  If anyone has any information, please contact the DEPD or the DE Daily

Vance Clayton, DE Daily Reporter