Dear Mona,

Feeling the sting of too many rejections by the beautiful women of our fair city, I decided to take the matter into my own hands. Literally. Because I’m too cheap to actually purchase a porn magazine, I used a room at the local Dick’s Halfway Inn. (Little did I know how ironic that name was about to become.) Digging under the stained mattress, I found what I was looking for; a pair of panties and a used porn mag. After a few minutes of frustrated…..tugging, it became apparent that I needed a little bit of lubrication. Looking around the grungy room, I noticed a bottle of lotion on the nightstand. I figured that if a little lotion on my hand would move things along, well, what if I just stuffed my wanker in there?

So…to the problem. Anyone familiar with a man’s anatomy will realize that things….swell…..when the moment feels right. The bottle of lotion has acted like a giant cock ring. It’s stuck. My ‘Dick’s Halfway In’ the bottle of lotion. For a day and a half. I’m too embarrassed to go to the DEMH. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Bulging Pants

Mr. Bulge,

I sincerely hope that you have decided to go to the hospital by now. You know it takes the mail several days to reach our offices – if it ever does. But, if your noodle hasn’t turned several shades of gray and black, and has managed to stay attached, I may be able to help you. Now be cautioned….I’m not a doctor, so you cannot point to the Daily offices when you can no longer pee in one straight stream after this. Here is my advice. Fill up a tub with ice, you know, like they do when they harvest liver parts for transplants over at the DEMH? Fill it all the way up with ice. Now, before you get in there, go get a picture of your oldest, ugliest, most wrinkled aunt. Climb in the tub. Go on, I’ll wait…….

Now, think about sticking it to your aunt. Problem solved. Your manhood should now be shriveled to the size of a very small piece of angel hair pasta. You can stop by the Daily offices later and thank me. I would tell you that you could take me out for drinks, but I’m not sure if you’re quite ‘up’ to it.

Solving the City’s problems, one bulge at a time,

Mona

Have a question for Mona? Send an email to moaningmona@outlook.com! Or Submit them to the Daily Editor Kahlen Vaniva to pass on to Mona.