Dead End Memorial Hospital

The vast majority of patients at the Dead End Memorial Hospital and Dead End Asylum are uninsured and present a financial burden. Some municipalities have reduced their services by turning away non-critical patients or cutting back on things like prenatal care. This reporter calls these measures what they are: throwing in the towel. The DEMH and DEA, instead, have chosen to innovate to offer their patients a better level of care. The hospital is announcing a partnership with Pharmer’s Pharmaceuticals to begin exclusive human trials on a slate of new medicines.

How is this innovative for a cash-strapped hospital and why should it’s patients, unable to pay their bills, care? Because anyone who volunteers to participate in the trials, and has a diagnosed eligible condition, will receive their entire medical treatment for FREE!

Asked why their company would be so generous, a Pharmer’s spokesperson replied, “Traditionally, the Pharmer’s brand has been a name in veterinary medicine and, while we’ve built a reputation for the highest quality equine antibiotics, we know we have to grow into new markets. Our latest medications and treatments have been designed for human bodies so that we can offer more products to more species. Soon, everyone will know the same high quality pharmaceuticals that horses have known for decades!”

The partnership between Pharmer’s and the DEMH is the latest move by the hospital board to close budget gaps and improve the quality of care. Each of the three board members had their own take on the value of the partnership, but all three agreed that the work with Pharmer’s would be a tremendous boon. Dr. Gongzhu “Princess” Yheng, who will be heading the technical side of the research initiatives, lauded what the notoriety of research can do for medical institutions, “Published work means prestige and prestige attracts higher caliber staff.” Board members Dr. Roisin Fitzgerald and Dr. Martin Shaw saw the program as a powerful tool in closing the budget gap. Weighing in on the topic, Dr. Shaw stated, “The poor are worse off, and the hospital has to eat the cost of the of health-care. It’s a difficult situation, and there are no easy answers…”

Brian Smith

DE Daily Reporter