District Attorney Pagan Newport in healthier times

For years now Dead End Residents have watched as the District Attorney Pagan Newport Yheng, fought to keep the city’s street safe.  From dealing with the police department, and trying to keep tabs on ongoing investigations, to working the to keep the court systems flowing with the amount of cases that Dead End’s legal systems seems to always be buried in flowing. These factors are considered by most health professionals to be the cause of Mr. Newport-Yheng’s recent troubles with drugs.

“It is common for someone in a high stress position like Mr. Newport-Yheng, to turn to drugs to try to keep their energy levels up,” Says Dr Chuck Tingle, of the DEMH’s board of addiction, while rubbing his nose.  Dr Tingle went on to say, “When people need to function on a level above what a human body can handle they need to get a pick me up to keep moving.  Look at me, I haven’t slept for three days, but my god damned reports are in. Are you reading this Dr Yheng? I got my FUCKING REPORTS DONE!” Dr. Tingle, then flipped the table and walked out, leaving this reporter with the strangest boner.

The District Attorney collapsed in Slim Goodie’s Diner on Wednesday Night, and EMS crews were called.  According to reports, Mr. Newport-Yheng  was working to get his often in trouble sister Bean to turn herself in for recent charges of assault with fireworks.  He went into the bathroom, and upon returning to the eating area of the diner, Mr Newport-Yheng collapsed.  ADA Cara Crowe was also in scene and with the assistance of Bean, they were able to keep the DA’s airway clear.  911 was activated, and the Crews for DEFD and DEPD arrived on scene.
According to Clem From the Slim Goodies diner, it seemed to be touch and go for a while.  The DA had lost all pulse and had almost stopped breathing by the time that crews arrived.  The DA was for all effects dead, but Emergency Services were able to bring him back.  He is currently in DEMH listed in satisfactory condition after being worked on by Dr Fitzgerald of the DEMH.

With the constant string of complaints about the city, and the rumors of a lawsuit against the Dead End City Dispatch Office circulating about the botched dispatching job for the grandmother of Capt Shade Manx. It is a breath of fresh air to know that the city’s emergency services still works when the chips are down.  It is a widely accepted fact, that the city has been cutting budgets for all departments, and the quality of city worker has decreased due to that.

“With what this city pays, it’s kind of amazing that he didn’t do this years ago,” says Mona Little of the city’s HR Department.  “The mayor has cut our wages budget by so much that I have started to just hire anyone who puts in an application at the police department,.  I had to hire ex gang bosses who wanted to make a difference, just to handle the high burn out rate in the PD. We won’t even talk about what counts as a city lawyer in this city.  I have seen law degrees signed in pink crayon for fucks sake. There is no way a self respecting city would allow that, but this is Dead End, there is no self respect here.” Mrs. Little said as she sipped her double latte.

The mayor’s office was unavailable for comment, but this reporter has to wonder what would drive a man to overdose on drugs or alcohol.  It is known that the case load for the last three years had done something to Mr. Newport-Yheng.  The truth is, in a city that never rests, and never gives the law a second chance there is bound to be some high stakes deals at the DA’s office, most of which end up in out of court settlements.  For the time being the DA is going to be checked into a drug treatment program, leaving ADA, now DA, Cara Crowe to take up the slack in the constant stream of cases that the DEPD has to drop in the DA’s lap.  In this city of swine there is no one man who is king, and even the DA can fall from grace.

– H.S Gonzo, Daily Reporter