by K. Villota

Around 10:00 p.m. on Jan. 1, axe-wielding Vie Bayne, of the Dead End Fire Department, was seen negotiating with Ming Yheng at the Hung Dragon Eatery for admittance, not for a plate of delicious noodles with shrimp, but for a routine fire inspection after smelling a stove turned on. The Hung Dragon Eatery is Dead End’s only authentic Chinese restaurant that had only just opened  Dec. 29, 2015.

Yheng yelled at Bayne, “As long is no have fire inside, and owner is here, you no have right to break door, so I is go fucking sue you. Captain of Fire make Dead Squad sued for malpra- uhm, malpri. . . fuck English! For not do job? And you have a pain in your own ass, all whores have! From fucking too much! Break down door, and I go see you in court!”

Yheng said, “See this fireho? She want go inside for check firethings but she no can do with no insulting. She call me Pointy Noodlehead, and I refuse to let her in, and now she is make up story for smell fire!”

The fire captain noted, “Ming won’t let me in to do a mandatory fire inspection because she is mad that I kissed the boy she likes. She is being quite childish. If she would just open the door, there would be no problems, the inspection would be done, and I would be on my way. Other than the owner of this very new business obstructing the law, and going against fire marshal’s requests, honestly, I am worried about the safety of her customers.”

Yheng continued yelling, “Vie kissed everything on legs, lah! Her cunt is like a grease pit for antique cars! No man is healthy in fucking Daddy End because of her!” She snarled at Bayne, “I is go let you in if you apologize for call me pointy noodlehead! Seriously? You want go to jail for murder?”

“She have cuntlips like mudflaps of Mack truck! No forget write down in paper that Fire Captain threaten kill me with axe, lah!” Yheng continued.

Bayne said, “Ming is just pouting because I get the guys, and she doesn’t. Though honestly, I’m taken, one man for me. Noodle Soup over here is delirious from all the sushi or fish heads or whatever she is sticking up her hoo-ha. Is it ok to call me and my vagina a thousand different names?” Bayne said to Yheng, “Fine. I’m sorry, now just let me in the damn shop! Why are you even still calling me names? I’m not even seeing Kai, I am with Anjel. That’s it.”

Yheng suddenly let Bayne into the restaurant, exclaiming and laughing, “Anjel!? Shhhpgetti hair!? Vie! Come inside, my friend! My door is always open for you, lah!”

The next thing this reporter knew, Bayne was extinguishing all the stove fires in the restaurant by using a fire extinguisher instead of simply turning off the stove knobs. The Hung Dragon Eatery was fined and now has three days to make her restaurant compliant with all fire regulations. Even though Yheng owns multiple businesses, they include Dead End’s only transportation and public services providers which means her expenses are high.

The Dead End Fire Department has generously offered to pay for the installation of carbon monoxide and smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, and sprinklers in the Hung Dragon Eatery. However, Yheng still has $7,800 in fines to pay. Hence, this reporter is helping to coordinate a Hung Dragon Fund. Please mail all cash and check donations to Ming Yheng at the Dead Drop bus station. Help preserve an honorable local business.