One Chair to Rule Them All: City Council or Criminal Conviction?

It has been just a mere six months since the citizens of Dead End elected new city council candidates Tarra Thorton and Peninnah Aisley.  Since voting results were announced, immediately speculations began on just how it was that rumored career criminal Peninnah Aisley earned herself a seat over Veteran and prior Dead End Police Officer Mitt Vernichtung. Speculations and signs pointing to fraud and larceny have been at large, but without any real evidence or traction, the claims never gained momentum.

Internet troll and alleged murderer becomes city council, 2017 is a meme and we stray farther from God’s light every day.

In the past few weeks, all of this has changed. As your senior reporter, I have hit the streets to find out just what it is that is going on in our local government that no one has been covering. It all started with a tip that the FBI had arrived in Dead End. Several witnesses passed reports to be that they had either conversed with, or, in passing made note of who we would find out later to be known as FBI Agent Romero walking the streets of the city, laying the ground work for what would be a very serious investigation cut short by deadly means.  Rumor had it the investigation was relevant to our city council.

One witness told me the following, “He was just so dreamy. I didn’t get to interact with him myself, but I saw him from a distance and that suit he had on, well to be honest I ran home as fast as I could and I told my friend Johnny to keep calling me on repeat because I lost my phone, he doesn’t know I put him in the friend zone. I was thinking about Agent Romero all night.” 

When I received the tip, as your reporter I immediately wanted to reach out to Agent Romero. It was then that I learned, only a few weeks in to his arrival in Dead End, the man had been shot point blank in the head outside of the local bakery, the Red Herring. Note: You can still see the blood in the outdoor seating area on the concrete, if you want to take a look for yourself.

This information was provided to me and confirmed at my visit to the Dead End Law Office, where I was able to speak with District Attorney and City Councilman Pagan Newport-Yheng. Also present was Mitt Vernichtung, who has been interning in the law office and assisting with the unfolding case and investigation at the death of FBI Agent Romero. I want to personally thank both of these upstanding citizens and assets to our community for the information they were able to provide in this investigation. Since it is ongoing, it is limited, but it would appear that the constituents who have been up in arms for months about the election of Peninnah Aisley have not done so in vain. Here’s what we know:

FBI Agent Miguel Romero arrived in Dead End to assist in serving Peninnah Aisley with charges on a Federal Level. Both Mr. Vernichtung and Mr. Newport-Yheng confirm there are local charges pending as well.

On the night of October 10th, there was an altercation outside of the Red Herring in which Miguel Romero was fatally shot in the head. Peninnah Aisley is the suspect in the case at this time, and motions for impeachment have been filed with a pending trial.

On the night of October 13th, according to public police reports there was an altercation in the City Hall building involving Ms. Aisley and bystanders after she was confronted in her office at her laptop. Shots were fired but no one was wounded.

Dead End Police have confirmed that in connection with the charges issued by the FBI, Ms. Aisley has been served with charges for the following crimes:

  • Arson
  • Embezzlement city funds
  • First Degree Homicide
  • Kidnapping
  • Tax Evasion/Fraud
  • Hate Crimes
  • Cyber Bullying

While some crimes in this list may seem more serious than others, when I took to the streets, many people seemed to note the abhorrent behavior of Peninnah Aisley on the social media platform, Twitter. One citizen I spoke to, who chose to remain Anonymous, with her long white hair and appearance of a goth Wednesday Addams – well, we’ll call her Anonymous Wednesday Addams – was able to show me some of the tweets and had the following to say about the Councilwoman that she herself regrettably voted for: “Maybe anger management should help her… or someone a psychiatrist.”

I decided to log online myself and was shocked with what I witnessed on the social network platform from an elected official:

“Okay raffle time!! For $100 tab at the Dark Room plus a fucking lap dance idk and $50 check to Slim Goodies Someone please fuck ” NOTE: The Dead End Daily does not support prostitution.

“im a cyber bully bitch”

This reporter was both saddened and disgusted by what she saw online. If it were up to me, Ms. Aisley would be locked up and the key tossed away. Mr. Newport-Yheng and Mr. Vernichtung were much more compassionate, with Mitt, who has affectionately been referred to as a loving father in previous articles like this one, having the following to say: “And I have no need to take money from the city’s funds. I own two businesses, work here part time and have some other plans on the back burner. Hopefully things will get ironed out with Peni and her child. She has already lost one, I would hate to see her end up having another taken from her due to her own indiscretions.”

Mitt Vernichtung, a better choice for your white haired, one eyed City Council Member, stands with Pagan Newport-Yheng.


So as constituents, where does this leave us all? What I can confirm for you in my own investigation is that Ms. Aisley is under investigation with charges pending, and seems to be laying low. While the city may be safe of her for now, we have taken a hit with the alleged embezzlement of funds, which were rumored to include all $25,000 of the city street cleaning funds. WINTER IS COMING and the need for plowing, shoveling, and salting of the roads, this could be extremely dangerous news. It is not known exactly what happened to the city funding at this time, but an investigation is open.

In the mean time, most importantly that leaves us with a City Council chair once again open. While surveying the streets, it seems that Mitt Vernichtung is a front runner for the open seat, even being verbally backed by Pagan Newport-Yheng during our interview with several comments of support.

In my highly unbiased reporting, Dead End, I am here to bring you the facts. I leave you with this – the corruption must stop. With this rogue criminal out of the city council chair, there is a chance to make a difference. Call upon your remaining council to elect Mitt Vernichtung as soon as possible, to make a difference in this city for all of us. Leave behind one white haired, one eyed Council member for another. Make your voices heard and take to the streets. Just keep in mind, that in these streets, somewhere there is a rogue Peninnah Aisley. Do not approach her, she is dangerous. If you do, keep in mind she is apparently pregnant, probably slow, and you should administrate a citizens arrest for $500 cash reward, or maybe even a public stoning in a few month from now.

If you opt to visit the remaining blood stain outside of the Red Herring, please find it in your heart to place flowers. RIP Agent Miguel Romero, Dead End has claimed another.

In the words of Anonymous Wednesday Addams, “I’m done.”

-Rebecca Rickroll, Dead End Daily News