Monkeys, Fire, and Wrench Rape: Just Another Weekend in Dead End

Casino Holds Sensory Deprivation Event On Saturday, March 19 at 10:30 p.m., casino owner Jeanie Styrian and a blindfolded guest were seen at the Three Wise Monkeys event at The Hedonist Casino. While no wildlife or simians were anywhere to be found, the event invited visitors to “reduce [their] exposure to stray compulsions” by blocking out their sight, hearing, or speech with blinds, headphones, or gags. “The three wise monkeys actually is the inspiration for... Read More

Pawn Queen Xelan Morgath-Yheng Murdered

  Newlywed Mrs. Xelan Yheng-Morgath had been serving her jail sentence in the Dead End halfway house when she was kidnapped from the pawn shop on Friday night. The kidnapper left her clothes, phone, and halfway house ankle bracelet behind. For days, there was no word from Mrs. Yheng-Morgath. Her friends and family searched everywhere they could. On Tuesday, Feb. 9, the Dead End Pawn Shop windows were boarded up, the door locked, and the regular clerk, Noodles, nowhere to... Read More

Interview: New DE Daily Chief Editor Cara Gambino

Cara Gambino pictured at a punching booth earlier last year. Former District Attorney Cara Gambino is now the new chief editor of the Dead End Daily. Not actually having seen her at the Dead End Daily offices more than one time, I interviewed my new boss via email to find out more and to re-introduce her in her new role to the good people of the city. How do you spell your full name? Cara Gambino-Ceriano. Birthday and zodiac sign? June 17, 1989. Place of birth?  Hathian,... Read More

Pizza Sauce Squirted All Over Dick’s Halfway Inn

by K. Villota On the last day of 2015 around 10:30 a.m., a red Pizza Slut van and its occupants decided to let the old year out with a bang. Driving up to Dick’s Halfway Inn in the red light district, a rainbow-haired woman driving the beaten-up van hosed down the entire inn’s lobby area with a thick, wet, and hot coating of pizza sauce, yelling, “HAI FROM RAINBOW WARRIORS!” The inn clerk and CCTV were left soppy and covered in pizza sauce as well. The... Read More

Pharaoh’s Bookstore Clerk Attacked

At 6:00 a.m., a Pharaoh’s Bookstore clerk by the name of Guy was strangled by a customer at the store’s back room. The attacker slipped out of the store after attacking the clerk who was working the early shift. A handkerchief with an unknown substance on it was found at the scene. When two EMTs arrived at the scene, it was found that the attacked clerk was also a fireman, and he refused transportation to the hospital.   If you have any idea who the bold perpetrator... Read More

Sickle Attack and Fire at Lyss’s Lair

by K. Villota Last week, an anonymous eyewitness notified this paper of an unfortunate attack and fire at Lyss’s Lair. Respected massage parlor boss Kyna Teagan was working at the Lair bar and local businesswoman Rhoslyn Ritter was busy entertaining guests. This could not last long as Lenore Manson, a woman in nurse’s scrubs, opened the door and suddenly declared, “The doctor has entered. I recommend amputation.” Manson was brandishing a syringe and... Read More

Opinion: A Captain Disgraced, A Department in Ruin

Dead Enders! For far too long, rapists, murderers, and predators have been allowed to run free. The Dead End Police Department (DEPD) chooses to go family, the only people who have shown any kindness, respect, or care for how this city is run. The Pawns’ Queen has been in jail, and the DEPD and District Attorney’s office have been all too content to sit on their collective asses while more citizens, the people I care about, go free. So I decided to show a member... Read More

District Attorney Cara Crowe arrested for murder

  Dead End District Attorney Cara Crowe was arrested outside her office last week for murder in the first degree for killing priest Reverend Jones, of the Templar movement, and for possession of a controlled substance. The murder of Jones took place in public April 28, 2015. The reverend’s decapitated body was found outside Lulu’s nailed to a wooden cross. “He was a fake, a phony he deserved to die the most horrible death possible, thank fuck that vile... Read More

Cast Iron Pan Smashes DEFD Captain’s Face

by K. Villota DEFD Captain Vie Bayne in recovery. After a DEFD fire inspection report for the Hung Dragon Eatery was filed Jan.1, owner Ming Yheng changed her business’s name to New Dragon Eatery, rendering the report technically invalid. After removing some fire hazards, a dangerous grill, and her red propane tank, Yheng reopened the eatery to resume business as usual. Ming Yheng’s cast iron pan On Jan. 2, around 3:45 p.m., DEFD captain Vie Bayne returned to the... Read More

Black Friday Attack on the Pawn Shop

by K. Villota Around 6:00 p.m. on Black Friday, November 27, 2015, the Dead End Pawn Shop was attacked by a group of unknown people wearing dark clothing. Bashing in the door with baseball bats, they caused a commotion in the shop. A lawn gnome was seen thrown out the window, shattering into pieces on the ground. The DEPD tased two women who were suspected to be accomplices to the incident, including one with pink hair. It is not known as of press time who exactly the main attackers... Read More