Rash Of Rapes Hits Dead End City Again

Over six rapes have been reported in Dead End City this month, coinciding with summer floods occuring in Dead Drop and Dead Fall, its two adjacent neighborhoods. This worrying news comes close on the heels of a murder at the city carnival committed by Barley Alsop and Cherry that was solved over a week ago by officers Anjel Masala and Cleo Mavendorf. Police captain Tarra Thorton stated on August 20, “Floods just hit yesterday, so there isn’t a lot that anyone’s... Read More

Now Hiring-DEPD

Have you ever wanted to make a difference, but struggled with the best way to do it? Do you consider yourself a public servant of this great city? Well good news! The DEPD is hiring officers. We will train you, so no experience necessary! Just a strong drive to learn and the desire to punch out the scum of the city. To apply, please turn in an application at the station (AKA click the sign and fill one out) or see a DEPD officer, who can refer you to the Brass for an interview.  Read More

City Council Brings Back Old Laws.

The Investigation Into City Council Continues. By: Staff Writer   As the federal and state government tries to make sense of the city’s book we are faced with a major crisis.  The tax rate on everything has gone up, and now the council is trying to increase the fines that we pay for everything, including blue laws. These laws that have been on the books since the city was founded are to be enforced to the letter, but with a higher payment.  The city wants the PD to enforce... Read More

DEPD Most Wanted List: Magnum Vectoscope

Magnum Vectoscope Considered Armed and EXTREMELY Dangerous! Citizens are warned not to approach. Should anyone have any information on the whereabouts of this citizen please contact the DEPD directly. There is a $500 reward for information leading to the arrest of this suspect. Again, citizens are advised not to approach the suspect directly.  Read More

Monkeys, Fire, and Wrench Rape: Just Another Weekend in Dead End

Casino Holds Sensory Deprivation Event On Saturday, March 19 at 10:30 p.m., casino owner Jeanie Styrian and a blindfolded guest were seen at the Three Wise Monkeys event at The Hedonist Casino. While no wildlife or simians were anywhere to be found, the event invited visitors to “reduce [their] exposure to stray compulsions” by blocking out their sight, hearing, or speech with blinds, headphones, or gags. “The three wise monkeys actually is the inspiration for... Read More

Pawn Queen Xelan Morgath-Yheng Murdered

  Newlywed Mrs. Xelan Yheng-Morgath had been serving her jail sentence in the Dead End halfway house when she was kidnapped from the pawn shop on Friday night. The kidnapper left her clothes, phone, and halfway house ankle bracelet behind. For days, there was no word from Mrs. Yheng-Morgath. Her friends and family searched everywhere they could. On Tuesday, Feb. 9, the Dead End Pawn Shop windows were boarded up, the door locked, and the regular clerk, Noodles, nowhere to... Read More

Strawberry Shortcake Sexually Stimulates Citizens

Drug-laced cupcakes have been causing prominent locals to behave erratically and nakedly in public. Around 9:00 p.m. on Feb. 8, 2016, a man in a plastic stormtrooper outfit was seen bumping into walls and smashing a hole in the Pharaoh’s Bookstore window downtown, pointing at everyone in his vicinity. Sneezing under his helmet as he had a cold, he had clearly not thought of the lack of protective qualities of his cheap plastic outfit. He was soon joined by Dead End... Read More

Pawn Queen Refutes Accusations, Blames DEPD

Recently, Xelan Yheng, whose birth name is Xelan Morgath, has claimed to be falsely accused of various crimes and stated her wish to publicly defend herself and her organization. Yheng is the head of Public Services Dead End, and enjoys horse riding, fast cars, and sailing with her fiance. Supporter of Dead End Society Firstly, Yheng clarified she was not responsible for the recent DE Daily office explosion. Yheng said, “I wouldn’t have any reason to blow you up.... Read More

Opinion: A Captain Disgraced, A Department in Ruin

Dead Enders! For far too long, rapists, murderers, and predators have been allowed to run free. The Dead End Police Department (DEPD) chooses to go family, the only people who have shown any kindness, respect, or care for how this city is run. The Pawns’ Queen has been in jail, and the DEPD and District Attorney’s office have been all too content to sit on their collective asses while more citizens, the people I care about, go free. So I decided to show a member... Read More

Cast Iron Pan Smashes DEFD Captain’s Face

by K. Villota DEFD Captain Vie Bayne in recovery. After a DEFD fire inspection report for the Hung Dragon Eatery was filed Jan.1, owner Ming Yheng changed her business’s name to New Dragon Eatery, rendering the report technically invalid. After removing some fire hazards, a dangerous grill, and her red propane tank, Yheng reopened the eatery to resume business as usual. Ming Yheng’s cast iron pan On Jan. 2, around 3:45 p.m., DEFD captain Vie Bayne returned to the... Read More